For years I played PES; I laughed at the rudimentary nature of FIFA. However, change is eternal, and when PES admittedly waned, I reluctantly jumped ship to FIFA; the transition was like going from one Latin based language to another – close, but different. For three long years I labored, learning the nuance of this new game I once mocked. In 2010 I started from the bottom with Torquay and took them to the top (until my manager mode crashed). In 2011 and 2012 I actually developed my “Be A Pro” without cheap tactics, changing his position and reaching “Gold” level completion in all but a few categories – mostly goalkeeping - all so some * with no fundamentals could spam lobbed through balls and pressurize for 90 minutes and have nearly the same chance for victory as me. In all years I tried to play a tactical, patient, and creative style online, much to my own demise. I had personal ethics….perhaps foolishly, for even during the worst replay * beatings, I stuck around, proud of my low “quitter” percentage.
But, like a refugee in a new land, my heart always longed for the old country, and in late 2012, I returned to my homeland, PES. Still, what to do about my new friends in the country that gave me solace while PES basically sucked big *? I couldn’t just leave them, especially since I work with many of them and they expect the occasional online battle or quick game over beers before we barbeque… the wives chatting in the kitchen and the kids are playing out back. So with reservation, I purchased a copy of FIFA 13 off one of these co-workers; his preorder copy was late, and he wanted the game on release day so I told him, “get the game on release day, and I’ll buy your extra copy when your ordered copy arrives.” I’m cool like that. And I figured I’d keep FIFA13 around for the occasional online and visitors.
So I’ve played PES –master league, offline, since it came out. I played one game of FIFA the first week, but when the computer scored a minute 45 and a minute 90 goal en route to a 5-4 shoot out win, I knew nothing had changed. I thought to myself, “well, that money is gone.” Even so, I’ve lurked these FIFA forums, amused at the anger toward this game. Amused at the haters of EA, amused at the defenders of EA, amused at the accusations, the gamespeed complaints and the preconceived outcome conspiracy theories and the calls for patches and the disgust at FUT prioritizing and the dismissals of EA as nothing but money grubbers and the calls for Rutter’s head and the locked up threads and threads bemoaning the preponderance of whiners and the losses of desire to play and the other endless threads including the occasional poll. And I laughed. I laughed at the misspellings and incoherent paragraphs and I laughed at the funny avatars and I laughed at the new-found rage. I laughed at the FIFA disciples turning on one another. Mostly though, I laughed because I wasn’t going to be a part of all this anymore – at least not as often, anyway.
Nonetheless, I had one more thing to do….
I created a formation much like one I saw in forum thread I read today: The 3 main ingredients….
First, I chose a team who are emblematic of the “win at all costs” mentality, Paris *.G. I suppose I could have chosen Chelsea or Man City, but that would have been so 2004 or 2010. Paris *.G is the newest of this style of team – the trendiest. I suppose Barca or Real Madrid would have been acceptable choices too, but it doesn’t matter. My formation and tactics are saved and can be applied and saved while in the game lobby this year, so I don’t even have to re-do them after every H2H game! I’ll just apply them to all the teams I play (only 5 star teams this year – no Botafogo or Real Salt Lake or Torquay or Blackpool for me).
The next part was really quite easy. I chose team edit on the menu and I built an abomination of a custom formation. I chose a 5 man cluster in the back consisting of three strong CBs and my two fastest and best tackling other players camped in front of them. Assigned roles were swapped, as were mentalities and positions on the pitch. I narrowed the width considerably – I’ll concede the flank; I’ll funnel the play there; I know from experience crosses, like everything else, are mostly just a waste of possession when things bog down. No, I’ll just be setting back, containing, letting the computer do most of the work – and when the time is right, I might tackle. I mastered tackling with my Be A Pro back when I actually cared. The pressure is set to 95, but aggression is low – I’m not looking to take the ball away; I mainly need the pressure to slow the opponent’s attack – in my third it’ll break down on its own thanks to AI or my computer defense or first touch or something else my opponent can’t really control.
I have no midfield. Who the **** needs a midfield?
I have five attackers all pushed to the edge of the box and spread across the pitch. Five! In the center, looming large as always and armed with the skill moves I once cared to learn, is Ibra. He is flanked by Menez and Gameiro. On the wings are Lavezzi and Nene. They are all pushed forward and slightly staggered so I can 1-2 pass immediately after I long pass or long through ball forward on the counter. All set pieces, long free kicks and goal kicks go to Ibra, who I will be spamming relentlessly. I can’t wait to fine tune this with Real Madrid….hehehe. Sure, this formation looks as if it were concocted by an eleven year old, but hey, IT’S IN THE GAME!
Immediately after I created this formation I played my second ever game of FIFA 13. I played online against Chelsea in a H2H seasons match. I won 1-0. The victory was quite satisfying. Not satisfying in a, “that was a well-played match and I respect that opponent” way. It was satisfying in a, “I lied to that chick and got her drunk, then I tapped her, and she doesn’t even know my real name” kind of way. I’m sure my opponent was fuming….that was the funniest part. It was a “spite win.” That guy is probably on these boards right now, venting, raging at FIFA. That amuses me.
The player of the game was….. my goalie! I was out shot. I was out chanced. I was out played….by a Division 10 guy. But I still won! Possession was 50/50. I hadn’t played FIFA 13 in weeks, but I scored on a volley from outside the box off a poor clearance. As the game went on, I was getting comfortable with the new “first touch” or whatever EA marketing is calling this slider adjustment…I mean epic change (bfd – just finesse the ball with close control – I’ve done that for years) and I was also getting comfortable with my new “style.” And if I lose? Who cares? I’m decent enough to half-a$$ my way up to at least division 7 based on my old skills – the real joy will come in creating more anger, disillusionment, nihilism in the online community. I owe this to EA; you owe this to EA; we owe this to EA – join me. Come to the dark side.
I mean, I can’t describe how liberated I feel! I don’t even care if I lose: my Frankenstein formation and attitude will proselytize on, spreading the “new way.” If I go down a goal in the first 5 minutes, I’ll just quit. If I am losing by more than three, I’ll quit. If I’m up, I might just pass it around with my defense, wasting time. And we are watching replays. Yes, we are always watching replays. All of them. For every….. single…… goal. My opponent needs to see the skill I employ lofting the ball forward onto a speeding Ronaldo.
I’m going oppo, baby, and you know, it feels good. Real Madrid will be my team of choice. And that Russian outfit with Eto’o. What do I need, maybe, 2-3 hours a week to stay decent? This is going to be hilarious. My celebrations *, though. I never really bothered learning those.
And when I want patient buildup, thoughtful tactics, and outcomes that seem organic, I’ll just retreat back to PES….offline of course.
I am your Adam, EA.
